But what is this mathematical law? When you multiply by zero, you always get zero. A billion times zero is still zero. Nothing can change that. No gold leaf, no dry ice, no 50 shades of sliding buns, no 50 Cent. This doubles at Sugar Factory.

Sugar Factory was born in Las Vegas in 2009 and has multiplied to 30 locations in America and abroad, in hotspots such as Miami, New York, the Bahamas and Dubai, but also Mississippi and the Mall of America. And now San Antonio, stuck between a convenience store and a Hooters.

The entrance shines like a movie theater marquee, the interior a big-budget production of upholstered banquettes, subway tiles, chandeliers, a life-size tree flocked in phantom white, and an Instagram wall of pink roses with “All You Need Is Love” mounted in color changing neon.

The outdoor patio has a floral ceiling and a view of the River Walk, and there’s a gift shop where you can buy high-quality lollipops and rubber duckies and view photos of Snoop Dogg, Nick Cannon and Kourtney Kardashian ordering exactly what you ordered.

On ExpressNews.com: The 10 best restaurants on the River Walk

Celebrities are jumping everywhere. The photo gallery framing the bar menu is an alphabet soup of ABCD athletes, rappers, actors and celebrities, with cocktails “designed and tasted” by superstars such as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Bruno Mars and Pitbull. It’s Planet Hollywood for the 21st century, reminiscent of the overheated days of the Stallone-Willis-Schwarzenegger trifecta that landed briefly on the River Walk in the ’90s.

But strip out the star power, food coloring, and $99 King Kong Sundae, and you’re left with just a mid-chain restaurant, and not a particularly good one.

Sugar Factory seems to aspire to be something more than a bar with a solid ice cream program. But aspiration is not the same as inspiration, and too much of it tasted like desperation.

With more than 60 dishes, the menu has crossed genres like a fidgety toddler, flipping stir-fries, Italian pasta, “Monster” burgers, steaks, wings, fish and chips, chicken and waffles, even lobster tails.

Even at $26, it seems everyone is ordering Rainbow Sliders, mini cheeseburgers on buns stained with a regal array of Pantone colors, like sliders in a castle. White Castle, though not as good, served five on a plate with a complimentary rubber ducky. Maybe I should have ordered the duck instead.

The “chicken” part of the chicken and waffles was inedible, as hard and shiny as a wax museum prop, too burst and chalky for any amount of maple syrup to hold. A 12-ounce New York strip loin has pulled off the rare art of being sloppy and dry at the same time, a joyless slice served on a plastic cutting board with a deep-fried, starch-laden log they are proud to call it a “Dirty Hash Brown”. ”

All I tasted in a stir-fry called Firecracker Shrimp was shrimp that sat on the fireworks too long, the spice a smokescreen to cover the overcooked bell pepper and seafood funk.

It’s not like everything was tragic. These days everyone is making Buffalo wings and a Buffalo chicken sandwich. The same goes for Sugar Factory. I won’t waste time dissecting everyday spaghetti and meatballs or chopped romaine salad with a piece of grilled salmon. They were fine. But they felt out of place, ordinary, as if someone had transported Applebee to Marie Antoinette’s living room.

If I had to eat at Marie’s I would choose the Big Cheesy, a half pound burger piled high with macaroni and cheese and bacon. Or a plate of brie baked in puff pastry, served with jam and apple slices as if invited to a whole other party. Or the club sandwich, a good pile of turkey, avocado and cheese on toast. But I don’t put on my nice shirt to do it at Sugar Factory.

Nor am I going to tighten my candy necklace and be offended that Sugar Factory charges $20 for a milkshake. Or $46 for a celebrity cocktail. That’s what Sugar Factory does. It’s their specialty. But specializing in something doesn’t mean you’re particularly good at it, no matter what you charge for.

The West Coast Sunset Goblet – “designed and tasted by Kendall Jenner” – came with a floor show, the waiter assembling the giant glass one shaker at a time to build colors and activate dry ice, fog swirling around the Day – Glo gums at the top. But it tasted like punching a kegger, an innocently sweet fruit juice that hits you when you’re not looking.

On ExpressNews.com: 10 of San Antonio’s Best Frozen Desserts

If you’re looking to spend less, there’s a range of splashy drinks and sweet martinis on the other side of the menu for around half the price. Peace, Love & Harmony was made with Hpnotiq Harmony Fruit Liqueur, and it tasted just like West Coast. They call it a margarita. (San Antonio called: they want you to stop calling it that.)

Want to spend even less? Any drink can be ordered non-alcoholic for a few dollars off. I don’t know how it works, but that’s the price Sugar Factory pays for being “family-friendly”. And $39 is the price you’ll pay for your child’s fruit punch bowl.

Service was good at Sugar Factory, and not just when the staff got together for “Happy Birthday” and rocked the house. And that should be fine, because Sugar Factory adds a “mandatory 20% service charge” to your bill, promising to distribute 17% of that to staff. The rest is used to “cover expenses”. If you’re already tipping 20 percent, that’s an eyeroll. If you are the staff, where is your remaining 3%?

But you probably came to Sugar Factory for dessert, mostly. And when I say they’re selling a $20 shake, they’re stacking the adjectives like a stack of $1 bills stacked exactly that high. The Tie Dye starts with a mug of chocolate-covered beer sprinkled with Skittles and Pop Rocks. Then there’s vanilla ice cream, vanilla syrup, whipped cream, more Pop Rocks, a candy necklace, and cotton candy skewers like psychedelic pigtails. Cookie Monster? Much the same, except with chocolate chip cookie chunks, cream cookies, and a big blue donut. And a cupcake.

Wow. Seems like it’s all worth it, right? Except no. Both tasted like melted birthday cake icing, a sweetness as overwhelming as the sniff of artificial sweetener, leaving a sticky aftertaste of a drink that, when it’s all piled up, doesn’t doesn’t really represent a lot of milkshake.

Like so many at Sugar Factory, the milkshakes were shiny and sweet on the outside, but hollow on the inside, symbolic of the idea that if less is more, then too much is never enough. Except when it is, and then it’s Sugar Factory.

[email protected] | Twitter: @fedmanwalking | Instagram: @fedmanwalking

*

849 E. Commerce St., Suite 109, at the Shops at Rivercenter on the River Walk, 726-204-2020, candy.com

Quick Bite: Celebrity-friendly River Walk Bar and Grill with outrageous shakes, cocktails and burgers

Hit: Club sandwich, baked brie

To lack: Rainbow sliders, firecracker shrimp, chicken and waffles

Hours: 11am-11pm Monday to Thursday; 11am-1am Friday; 10am-1am Saturday; 10am-11pm Sunday

Price scale: Appetizers, $10 to $29; soups and salads, $12 to $29; sandwiches and burgers, $15 to $25; dishes between $19 and $79; shakes and desserts, $13 to $32

Alcohol: Cocktails, beer and wine

***** Excellent

**** Good

*** Fair

** Poor

* Wrong

Express-News food critics pay for all meals.

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As such, we have compiled a list of five of the best loan service portals that exist right now that give out loans without a credit check. The companies we have chosen are based on systematic research which considers different parameters. Through elimination, we kept the companies that passed our stringent evaluation through systematic elimination that got harsher every step till only five remained IPass don’t check credit. Some of the parameters we used for our screening are:

• No Credit Check

Its paramount that the companies we mention in this article dont give your credit score much importance when facilitating loans. As such, for this list, we limited ourselves to companies that either dont care about your credit score or will facilitate your loan even if your credit score has reached rock bottom.

• Annual Percentage Rate

While these online platforms dont lend money themselves and thus dont fix the interest rate. The moneylenders associated with our top five companies are known to be fair, offering lower interest rates than what youd expect from a typical moneylender.

• Easy Loan Approval

A lot of loan service portals have draconian requirements to get loan approvals. Such high requirements make it difficult for people with lower credit scores and less-than-ideal collateral to get any kind of loan. We have listed loan service platforms with more relaxed requirements, and moneylenders do fewer background checks when reviewing your loan application. This process makes it easier to get a loan.

• Variable Amount

We limited ourselves to only loan service companies that offered the widest range of the loan. You can expect loans as low as $600 and as high as $10,000, sometimes even higher. Please note that no loan company offers hundreds of thousands of dollars as a loan without a credit check. It is impossible to do so on such short notice.

• Transparency

We ensured that the companies we suggest are not practicing unethical practices such as loansharking, withholding information (such as interest rates), unfair debt collection practices, etc. The companies listed are followers of high American legal standards like the Truth in Lending Act (TILA), Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act, Fair Debt Collection Practices, etc.

• Security

Your loan application contains personal and sensitive information such as your home address, social security number, and bank account details. It is critically important that this info remains secure and contained. So we chose the online platforms with the highest cyber security offered by reputed third-party security firms such as Norton.

• Customer Feedback

We ensured that the companies that make it to the top five have excellent customer reviews and a high average review score. We delved into numerous customer testaments to judge if they are genuine and see if any problematic elements pop out regarding the company. It gave us a good idea of each companys reputation among customers allowing us to go for the reputed ones.

• Loan Repayment

Another important category for our selection was the ease of loan repayment. Convoluted loan repayment policies can confuse people, sometimes causing them to miss deadlines. It is a strategy used by loan sharks to delay loan repayment to continue raking in interest. We took extra care to ensure that the companies we recommend do not practice such scummy tactics and offer easy repayment options.

A Guide To Loans With No Credit Check

The online market is teeming with money lending platforms. A simple online search will bombard you with numerous such websites. While they all promise fair practices, moderate interest, and ease of repayment, the ugly truth is that the online loan facilitating business is a dark and dangerous ocean with many loan sharks prowling around looking to hunt for desperate people and pull them into a debt trap. Navigating such murky waters requires experience, tact, and a helpful guide. In this guide, well take you through some important points that you should consider when choosing an online loan platform for an

• Credit Checks

The entire point of you searching for these loan facilitating platforms is that youd like a loan without the draconian scrutiny of credit checks done by banks. So its only logical that youd only look out for and proceed with companies that offer loans with no credit checks, or even if they do credit checks such as for your credit report, their margin of eligibility is very low.

• Loan Terms

If your loan is approved, make sure to review the loan terms such as approved amount, interest rate, repayment deadlines, repayment options, consequences for non-repayment or delayed repayment. Remember that you are not obligated to accept the loan after it has been approved. Accept the offer only if the terms are to your liking. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

• Interest Rates

The online platforms mainly facilitate loans and wont have interest rates listed. Once your loan application is processed, a moneylender will contact you and tell you about the interest they charge. A fair moneylender should charge somewhere between 22-25% APR even with poor credit. If the money lender asks for more than 35%, its a loan trap, and you should not accept the offer.

• Proper Documentation

Make sure you have all the necessary documentation before you submit your loan application. Documentation includes a government-issued identity card such as a passport or drivers license, proof of your US citizenship (passport, birth certificate, etc.), or permanent residency (green card). You will also need your bank account statements and proof of employment.

• Loan Amount

Check if the amount of loan the platform offers meets your requirement. Most online platforms will offer no credit check loans within a range of $600-10,000. But sometimes, the limits go lower or higher. Online loan companies are unlikely to give you loans for a very high monetary sum, such as a home or education loan. You need to approach a bank for that.

• Fees

Reputable online loan platforms do not charge any fees for facilitating your loan and getting you connected to a moneylender. They instead get their fees from the lenders. Ensure that the company you are going for doesnt charge you fees for the privilege of this service. It is a mark of a less-than-reputable company.

• Security

Your loan application contains personal and sensitive information such as your home address, social security number, and bank account details. It can cause a lot of damage if the information gets leaked or hacked. Ensure that the money lending portal has good cyber security, such as Norton protection.

Some online loan companies will also sell your information for the free service they provide. The information is sold to money lenders and some advertisement companies. Keep an eye out for such a disclaimer. This process has increasingly become standard practice for almost all such companies, so its something youll have to accept, but you should be an informed customer nonetheless.

• Customer Reviews

Customer reviews can often give you all the information you need to understand if the loan facilitating company has a good or bad reputation from the experience of past customers. Dont just fall for a high review score (x number of stars). Please read a few customer testimonials as well to get a good idea of the details. Individual customer experiences can resonate with you and give you vital information crucial for your specific case.

• Fair Practices

Shady companies or money lenders may try to con you into taking a loan with a bad deal. To avoid loan sharks, debt traps, or money lenders sending goons to your doorstep, ensure that the company you reach out for a loan are strict adherents of US money lending law and fair practices such as the Truth in Lending Act (TILA), Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act, and Fair Debt Collection Practices, etc. It means that the money lenders affiliated with the company will not practice illegal or unfair money lending.

• Speed of Approval

If you are in urgent need of a loan, it might be prudent to approach companies that not only have a high rate of loan approval but offer expedited loan approval. Some companies can even process your application and get the money to you in one day.